Parenting Tips
Does Your Child Play One Adult Against the Other?
From The Parents Guide: Solutions to Today's Most Common Behavior Problems
in the Home by Stephen B. McCarney, Ed.D and Angela M. Bauer, M.Ed comes
these tips on helping a child who does not take care of his/her belongings:
- Establish a rule about going from one adult to another asking for favors
or permission to do something. This rule should be consistant and followed by
everyone in the home. Talk about the rule often and reward your child for not
playing one adult against the other.
- Make sure that you support the decisions made by other adults in the home.
For example, if your child asks to borrow the car, say "Did you ask your
father? What did he say?" Then stick with the answer Father gave.
- Do not saend your child to another adult if you do not want to make a decision
regarding something he/she wants. If you are not ready to make a decision, tell
your child to let you think about it and to come back in 15 minutes.
- Make certain all adults involved in your child's life (e.g. parents and teachers,
etc) are in communication concerning important decisions (e.g. rules, expectations,
responsibilities, permission given or not given, assignments, etc) in order to
reduce the possibility of your child playing one adult against the other.
- Be sure to explain the reason you are denying your child's request immediately
after telling them "no".
- Be consistant in expecting your child not to go from one adult to another.
Do not discipline your child one time and then ignore the behavior the next time.
- When denying your child's request, allow something in exchange (e.g. eat an
apple instead of a candy bar, rent a video and have some friends over instead
of going to the movies).
- After denying your child's request, remind him/her not to go to another adult
and ask for the same or a similar thing.
- Make baby-sitters, teachers, guests in your home, etc. aware of your child's
tendancy to play one adult against the other.
- Establish the rule that what one adult says is the final word. Asking another
adult for permission to do something after being told "no" will not
be tolerated.
- Make certain your child knows that you will communicate with other adults
to clarify or confirm what your child tells you concerning what other adults said
or did.
- Just as you would give your child the benefit of the doubt, be certain to
give adults the benefit of the doubt when your child is concerned.
A Reminder: Your child cannot play one adult against the other if open
communication with all concerned adults is maintained.
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